The stories everyone else describes pretty much explain my life without the details. I had a terrible childhood. I have always felt different but never knew why. I always felt I did not fit in anywhere especially with peers, and now with coworkers, family and even my boyfriend. In grade school I was the class clown to get the attention of my peers. In middle school that graduated to being the bad kid and telling off teachers (still to get attention).
In High School it went to smoking pot getting kicked out of many schools to never return, and not caring about anything. My parents did not know how to deal with me, and now admit that they were really not into being parents anyway. They did try in their own ways, but their form of punishment was very negative which gave me lower self esteem and made my problems worse. My mother still can’t admit that something was medically wrong with me (ADD), and plays it off to me just being a bad child whenever I try to discuss it with her.
I have started College 4 times and never made it more than a year. Every time i have the best intentions and think it is really what I want, and then it fizzles out and I quit. I never kept a job any more than a year for the past ten years, except my last which I managed to keep for just under 2 years, and that was a struggle. I wish I could just be like everyone else and figure out what I want in life and achieve it.
I can’t even fathom how it is second nature to them to create goals and achieve them because I would like to learn how, but never get past the creating a goal part. I wonder a lot if I am just mentally ill, but doctors say I am not. I still go off the deep end if one little thing in my life goes wrong- I feel like my entire life is a mess and don’t know how to pick myself back up.
Now my problem is that my son has ADHD. He was okay up until about 3 years old (a model child in fact). Once he started to learn how to relate with the rest of the world is when the problems began. His teachers have been telling me for 3 yrs now that they suspect ADHD but I have been unwilling to admit my son has a ‘problem’ because it makes me feel I have failed him.
I see myself putting him through all the negativity that my parents put me through, and I see his self- esteem dwindling and see that at 8 years old he is tearing apart my house when angry, not able to control his behavior or temper, and talking about never being born. Now that I am starting to come to terms with the fact that he needs help if I don’t want him to have life as rough as me (or worse)I am seeking resources and help, but come to dead ends, and feel no one wants to help because I have State Insurance. hey all just want to put him on medication and call it a day.
That doesn’t teach me how to parent him (when I try to organize him or his punishments I have the best intentions but I never stick to it no matter how important I know it is). Nor does it teach him how to become productive despite his problems. I even bought books on how to help him and read 15-20 pages and never picked them up again. I want my son to live life 20X better than I had to, and be a productive member of society.