Steve’s Story

I’m 28 years old now, and i do not know how i’ve made it this far or how I have gotten here. In some cases my life has seemed totally wasted and pointless, other times it has seemed to be full of color and enjoyment.

When i was young, about 3 or 4 i got social services called on my mom several times. I would wake up at four in the morning leave the house, after my parents had tried to make it impossible for me to get out. Which if you have kids its impossible to make anything childproof. I would walk down to my friends house and see if they could come out and play.Thankfully no one took me from my parents, or there’s no telling where i would be now.

My parents divorced when i was five, life changed dramatically after that. I was the problem child that always got in trouble. Part of it was fixed when it was discovered that i was deaf in one ear. They always thought i was a demonic child that didnt ever listen unless they where in my face. Now it made sense to everyone, or so it seemed.

In fifth grade i was put in learning disability classes, they gave me an IQ test to see how dumb i was, well i shocked them, i tested right on the line of a genius. No one could figure out why i was doing so bad in school, i sure couldnt figure it out. I was just a child trying to make my parents happy. All through school i have had a difficult time sitting in a class environment, it never felt comfortable to me and very little ever interested me, except for gym and art.

I live wtih my father till i was twelve, where i got beat on a nearly daily basis. May sound funny but it was always a good day when i didnt get beaten for whatever. I would do some of the dumbest things in the world, when my dad would yell at me about it and ask why i did it. i didnt know, i never did. I didn’t understand why i did it either.

I stole things for no reason from class mates or the baby sitter or anyhthing i found that i wanted, then later i would forget about it, someone would find it and i was busted. To say the least i was not very well liked in school. I was the freak that evryone avoided like i had a disease. Ridicule from classmates was an everyday thing then.

Alot of the stuff i did never made sense when i was growing up. Then one day i went to school covered with bruises, the school i was going to saved me. Because it was nothing new to me i didnt understand why they where getting so bent out of shape about a few bruises. only difference was they where on my face and arms was all. I felt was the one who had done something wrong with the way the where reacting.

I went to live with my mother then, i was ten i think. The problems never got any better, they only got worse. The only good thing i was ever able to do was write. At ten years old i sat down and wrote a three hundred page novel, over a six moth period. Which i probably rewrote at least once because it never seemed good enough. It wasn’t much but i did that at ten years old.

Junior high school was nothing but utter hell for me, i hated it all with a passion, i had not one friend during it all.Constant confusion was all i felt during that time. I could never focus on anything, outside of shop class. I was working with my hands then doing something besides just sitting there listening to someone talk about something i didn’t care about. Day dreams where a constant thing. Or id fall asleep from boredom and get in trouble for that. My grades where c’s at best. Still in the dummy classes that made me feel totally worthless. the teachers where overly nice, in a condescending way it seemed they looked down on me. Ah poor dumb kid we need to help him out, and be nice to him. I always did my best to avoid any contact with people there, i always thought they all hated me. I never understood how everyone else could do these things and i couldn’t. It made me feel even dumber and more worthless During that time in my life only friend i had was my depression, he was always there.

My mother tried to help me by sending me to a different high school. I guess it was an attempt to give me a fresh start. I survived high school but just barely. To me it was a great place but it wasnt for me. I could never sit for very long with out having to make an effort to stay in my seat. It was a stuggle all day every day.

I have never been able to hold a job that i didn’t have some interest in and didn’t challenge me mentally some how. But even then i get bored and i end up quitting by not showing up or screwing up so bad that they fire me. The longest i have ever been able to hold a job except for my current one is two years.

My mother got me into treatment when i was sixteen after a failed suicide attempt. They tried to say i was bipolar, well if i am then why didn’t the medications they ever give me seem to fix the chaos in my head. Ya the pills leveled my moods but i felt like i was dead, or a walking zombie. Everything was so sluggish, my thinking was still chaotic, but now it was so sluggish it was harder to think.

When i was about twenty two, i realized that if i would cut out the caffeine in my diet that might help. Hay what a concept huh??? That did help me some but the chaos was still there. Just not as strong, nothing has anyone has ever done has ever made it go away.

I never thought i was the one with the problem, i always thought it was everyone else that had the problem. I was the normal one. To this day i still dont know for sure. All i know is i avoid people when ever i can i dont talk to many people, my wife does most of that for me. I have a few friends that i trust and dont seem to mind my chaos.

Only problem is since i have been about twenty one or so, i havent been able to write, its alway been my one realse, that for some reason can do. My mind doesn’t slow down at all, i just write very fast, and write my own personal short hand, and for a very long time. I’ve written for so long, had to been two hours or so, that when i got done my hand hurt pretty bad for a few hours. I never even realized the pain either. Writing or photography are the only things i can focus on at times. Im allowed to do things my way nobody elses way.

I may never feel like i fit in with the rest of the human race but it doesnt bother me much, i feel i see the world though clearer eyes than those who dont experience things as i do.