When I look back, ADD always played a role in whatever I did. Even at the age of two, I climbed out of a bedroom window after my parents had tucked me in, and walked next door into the neighbor’s house! I also couldn’t be left unattended for extended periods……one day I climbed up onto the bathroom sink, opened the medicine cabinet, and found some iron pills, some of which I attempted to share with my 8 month old brother after taking the majority of them myself! Needless to say, I had to have my stomach pumped and stayed in the hospital for a few days. Although elementary school was pretty much routine and I did really well, junior high school was another story. I learned how much I could be hated for excelling in whatever area I chose. In 7th grade, I made good grades and was doing really well with music lessons. I attended a small parochial school.
In 8th grade, my parents sent me to the local jr. high school and tremendous drop in my grades and self-esteem ensued. I would have been considered a “nerd” then by today’s standards, and I took physical abuse for that. My grades dropped tremendously and I also endured physical punishment for that at home. Although my Dad would take time off of his job to talk to my teachers, no one could really pinpoint what was going on. I felt so confused, hurt and alone that I didn’t know how to tell my parents what was going on. I began to “act out” in sexual ways with my siblings. I also endured physical punishment for that once my parents found out. I was making D’s and F’s for the first time in my life. I hated school for the first time too. I learned how it felt not to be one of the smartest kids in the class. My family and especially my siblings still hold resentments against me for what happened.
High school was new beginning, but it became old very quickly as I excelled, on one hand, in music, but on the other hand, experienced erratic rise/fall in grades…….I began to find blank report cards in the 11th grade because I just didn’t want to be abused anymore. I acted out in the bband roomand was considered the “class clown” by everyone, always making jokes or noises to in some way disrupt what was going on. For the most part, I was happy-go-lucky despite not being able to do what other young men my age did……taking girls out on dates, using the family vehicle, getting my driver’s license were all foreign language to me. I seldom had friends over, at least in the house. I spent a great deal of time in the backyard, playing basketball. Both my parents worked and I had to watch my siblings after school until they came home. They began to drink more and more throughout my high school years. Abuse had been a common theme between them.
After graduating high school, I began to drink and smoke marijuana with “friends” and finally on to cocaine, where I hit rock bottom, losing my 2nd wife, possessions, job, and almost my life through a failed suicide attempt. I would work 2 to 3 jobs at a time to make ends meet. Yet, I held on to my addictions. After going to rehab twice, I married a woman who was also in treatment at the time and had a son. I found a job and began to attend church. I also became abusive toward her (as I had my second wife) and we finally split after she found that I had been unfaithful with two other women, one of whom I am married to at present. I have had over 40 jobs, 4 marriages, 4 children and a host of traffic/speeding tickets. Although I finally graduated with a bachelor’s degree in nursing, I don’t feel as though I have accomplished much. Impulsivity and old behaviors have even manifested themselves on my job. I am in a great deal of pain from all of these things and am seeking! g help. I am also hoping that my story will help others.