I have ADD. I haven’t seen a Dr. who told me this, but in trying to figure out what in the world is wrong with me I did enough research to know I do have ADD. I just need to put this in writing and know that someone who understands will read this. I sit here today in my apartment, overwhelmed with problems and not knowing exactly what to do first to resolve any or all of them. My job is going to be history if I don’t “get a grip” soon. I am a sales rep for a major telecommunications company and have huge responsibilities. But I can’t focus on one project long enough to be productive in much of anything anymore.
I’ve always been this way but in the past I’ve always managed somehow. I’ve changed jobs a lot in order to escape when confronted with not doing my job very well. But I’m so tired of starting over and I’ll be 50 years old soon. It’s time to get help. My life has been a roller coaster ride. Not just for me but for those that come in contact with me.My daughter’s life has been affected and I so want to somehow make her understand why her mom can’t seem to get her act together.
My financial status is in ruin because I never have been able to make payments on time. I can’t even get a checking account now because I cannot manage a checking account without bouncing checks all the time. It hasn’t been a matter of not making enough money. Most of my life I’ve managed to get good paying jobs. But I’ll carry cash around in my purse and not pay bills because I just can’t seem to get it done.
I’ve been single for many years. Relationships don’t go well mostly because I have no real comprehension of time. I could never meet the demands of most men in being organized, house always immaculate,and totally put together in every aspect of my life. They just don’t understand. And it put more stress in my life that I didn’t need. So I’ve just quit dating completely.
I think though that being single adds to the frustration of having ADD. Simply because there is no one there to be accountable to. I think when there are other people in your life whose opinion of you matter a lot that it is easier to implement structure in your life. When you can come and go as you please, when whatever you do or do not do has no end result on anyone but yourself…it’s easier to live in denial.
Right now I can’t even get my apartment organized at all. I moved in here in Jan. of this year and it is September. I have boxes upstairs still unpacked. I’ve tried to decorate downstairs many times and still have decor items laying around everywhere. Pictures to hang on walls stand against the wall on the floor. I move them here and there and it just never seems to get done. That is a good description of my life….it just never gets done. My life is always under construction, even at age 50. That is so sad.
All of my friends seem so successful and have so much more to show for their efforts in life. I seemed to have worked a lot harder than most of them, and in fact am a lot smarter than so many of them, but I have nothing to show for it. They come to me for help with things like computer problems, creative writing projects, decorating ideas, things that I do seem to have expertise in but can’t implement in my own life. For instance, if you lead me to your computer and sit me down in front of it I can usually fix it. But if it were my own then I may or may not get it done. If you sit down with me and show me your writing projects I can edit and critique it with you and assist you in making it a masterpiece. But if it were my own writing it may lay on my desk for weeks, even years before I take a second look at it. If you show me your home I could tell you what to do that would make it more beautiful than ever but I can’t even get a new picture hung on the wall in my own apartment.
I say all this in hopes that it will help someone else to gain clarification of their life and seek treatment for ADD. I live in a small town and just a few weeks ago I noticed a sign on an office that said “Family Psychiatry”. I’ve been thinking I need to get treatment but didn’t know where to go. It took me over 2 months to finally stop at that office to see about getting an appointment. Wouldn’t you know it….a sign on the door that said they closed their business in July of this year. I will try tomorrow to find a Dr. somewhere that can help me…..if I can remember to do that. Hopefully my next letter here will be one of celebration that I have found treatment and am on the road to a more progressive life. Thank you so much for listening!