My mother thought after that I was born, 26 jears ago, that I had to be the daughter of satan. Although she not admits I know she still does…
In my first years I was so intelligent that the doctors thought I would become a genius. But unfortunately the older I got the more normal my level of intelligence became. But at a physical level I was and always have been far above average. I never had a lot of friends, I just couldn’t get along with other people it would always turn in an argument or fight, and with me physically hurting them and always getting the blame. My free time I mostly spend on climbing into trees, rooftops, or just making trouble, just everything to get a kick out of it.
Then high school; from little rebel to criminal. Everybody was afraid, because they knew I was very violent and aggressive. After just one year I started using drugs(14 years), with after one week having had used lsd it didn’t take long or I was using everything. The 2 years after I became a drug dealer and also started to sell stolen clothes, which partly I stole myself. It became worse and worse, I started beating people for fun and doing opened assaults. Also it didn’t take me long to find out what remarkable effect speed had on my concentration, I always did my exams with speed, that’s the way I have passed all of them. Speed takes away that so called fog in my brains and changes me from a complete idiot to a professor with a photographic memory.
After passing my exams(17yr) so easy I went to college where I left after a couple of months to become a…prostitute. As impulsive as I was/am I decided to go for the “big” money. But I couldn’t keep it up to work their, and quited after a half year which after I had a very big break down. They gave me Prozac and Diazepam. After a few months I stopped with the medication and everything seemed to go well. Till I met a 20 year older men which I fell in love with and moved into his house. After just a few months his intentions seemed quit clear and I ended up again as a prostitute only this time giving the money to him. After a while I run away, back to my parents, I promised myself that I would go back to college and finish it.
And so I did and besides that I went working as a housecleaner to earn some money. But I just couldn’t force myself to keep the job and ended again in the criminal world where the money was a lot better then any student job would pay. But at the end I graduated(with again the help of speed)and after that it didn’t take long for me to have my first real job which I had for exactly 3 months, before I quitted it. After that I had so many I quit counting them, I just couldn’t hold on to them. There is no environment where I feel at home, everywhere and always I have felt like a stranger or alien, and how easy a task seems for others for me it feels like if I have to climb the mount everest. The last job I had was already 3 years ago now.
Since then I have completely grown into the criminal world. And I did so well, that I have moved far away to an other city in a rich neighbourhood where everybody thinks I\’m a successful businesswomen, well I have to admit I’m such a good actress that it really looks like that. Although I don\’t use drugs anymore and I’m almost back to the legal world, I just can\’t get any peace in my head. Something drives me crazy, and believe me I have tried everything. A few years ago the psychiatrist diagnosed me with adhd, borderline and bulimia. Since then I have tried everything from Ritalin till omega fish oils, but nothing seems to help. Concentration Problems, sleeping problems, memory problems eating problems, horrific mood swings and always searching for big adrenaline kicks(traffic; sports cars, motorcycles).
And I didn’t even mention the menpart, have you ever seen a lion hunt his pray?? That must be the way I go at work when it comes to finding a date. And if that\’s not bad enough I just have to cheat in relationships, I really can\’t stay loyal. It’s quit a pitty that I always mess up because of my appearance(people often think I\’m a model)I always seem to get the men I want. But when I have him then I\’m already bored and not interested anymore.
Although I only mentioned the bad parts of my life, there are also a lot of fun and good ones because of my adhd. And this year I have changed in so many ways that for the first time in my life I see my adhd not as a curse but as a blessing. I will never use medicine again, I’m not going to destroy my body in order to fit in the world of sheep!
I will always be too late, chaotic, unorganized, impulsive, searching for things I lost, daydreaming, not able to finish things I start, but the things which stand out for me are my energy, persistence, determination, high sensitive feeling(like a sixth sense), generosity, helpfulness, creativity, powerful, iron-strong mentality, problem solving capabilities AND THOSE THINGS MAKE ME SO PROUD TO HAVE ADHD!!!!!
I know it’s quite a shocking story and maybe some of you will recognise a lot, and I hope it gives you a little bit of relief that your not the only one out there…
Take care,
Saphira