Jim’s Story

I never fit in as a child in school. I was constantly beaten bullied and picked on. I asked for help over and over but nothing. My parents did not care that I was in the highest 1% in aptitude tests(verbal skills lagging behind, the only exception) and my grades were terrible all the way through high school.

College was a just as bad. Only one person ever stopped to really help me. It was already too late. Some tried a little but they did not or could not take enough time. At about the end of this I knew what was wrong but it was not bad enough to force me to get real help.

After finding a carreer(pays decent) I found the stress of what should be a normal happy life getting to me from time to time. Over a lond period of years I would seek help to find out nothing they prescribed worked. I found my best years working alone in a highly dynamic high stress situation where problems had to be solved fast and I knew how to do it quite well. I can break down and analyze complex systems rapidly, I can do it walking in cold.

What killed me was organizing, planning and discipline. Once it got to that point over a long enough time I fell apart. I could not do it. At this point I got a script for wellbutrin to quit smoking according to what I told the doctor(I did smoke too much) in hopes that it might heal the recurring despair. It worked somewhat but circumstances led me to a real Psych and after some time he told me what I already knew but at this point forgotten about as I was such a mess, I was ADD. I stayed on Welbutrin for a while longer but the med wasn’t right. Tried one stim that was too weak and suffered for another period of time. Finally hit the right medand became human, a somewhat broken one, but human.

I am still in the process of learning to live in a world born of failure and misery and misadventure. It was not all bad mind you, but what happened to me at too young of an age left a huge scar.I could explain it all in words but that would be too damn long and boring to be precise. I have better ways to build visualzations that I can understand, and reformat to something that might be useful to others, a work around.

Everything I am doing now helps and keeps me from falling into the black hole that nearly killed me. Unfortunatly, the environment I have allowed to evolve is killing me anyways.Work is a disaster due to corporate changes and people who only know how to say YES to the those who have no idea how to run a business. You have to do much much more in less and less time. Then as I come home I get hit with MORE and GREATER stress. This is about the time my medication wears off and I can control it less and less. I can deal with bad days, they go away. Some people are even getting a clue that I am real close to snapping or perhaps I already have.

I am starting to interact with others more so now the secret is out. However, after a day fraught with dealing with too many things, a nice break out alone to the store(peace and calm). I have a few managable things I need to accomplish the next day, planned out so it will work, one more thing gets given to me and after argueing with my wife why I have to do this as well I say, no problem, if I can remember. Then I get back, OMG I need to hold your hand to do everything, I only asked you to do two little things, you can’t handle two little things.

For quite a long time I considered suicide and now I see why.

I am still in the process of adapting to ALOT of changes. No one really understands and the scars left behind from youth still hit real hard in effect but not specifically of dircetly but overall and generallized. I am surrounded by people who don’t care and don’t know how to even think with logic and reason and foresight and ethics. To make it even worse they think I am not catching on to the petty attempts to bull$hit me. Like I am UNAWARE, LOL.

What really gets to me

————>I WANT OUT!!<———— and every angle I run gets me nowhere without violating my ethic. I need to start over again and live a life in peace, learn, grow and succeed. I never had the chance to do it right. I need a choice or I need out. Remember, I can’t include every factor involved, It is too damn much to include and the interrelationships and reactions are not put into a few words.

If you have had a decent life, be happy, I have a hell that is locked inside my head that comes back every night constantly trying to figure out why everything is so wrong and how I can fix it.